through a glass, darkly / but then, face to face.
December 6, 2010 § 4 Comments
sometimes i really wonder why i do what i do and why i feel what i feel.
some of those times i suspect i know the answer, but it always comes with the nagging feeling that it is just a tad too glib to be right. occam’s razor may have worked for him, but i am left only with stubble and doubt.
many years before i came to law school, i decided i wanted to be the kind of lawyer who always smelt good. it’s not a strange criterion if you know how differently airconditioned firms and…ah..’delicately ventilated’ courts function.
this dream has nothing to recommend itself insofar as the practice of law actually is concerned. i’ve simply been seduced by the car salesman inside my mind who tells me that the bespoke ivory leather interiors are why the mustang purrs the way it does. it’s a lie, and i know it’s a lie, but god forgive me, how much i want to believe it!
for weeks now i’ve vacillated between the ‘right’ internship and the ‘risk’ internship; between the one that will sit comfortably on my resume, smug in the solid weight of its name, or the one that will mean nothing unless i can strip it to its barest nakedness and sell it for what it is, an aggregate of gritty practical experience. i promised myself in the angry, confident days of early law school that i would never forsake my own dreams at the altar of the Collective Corporate Epiphany that national law university students enjoy – suffer? – somewhere in the middle of their second years here, but you know, i think i may have.
at every step i tell myself there’s nothing really wrong with my choices but god knows there’s nothing very right either.
this time, i told myself i’d try once more to pick the small guy to work with over the big shots. one last time, in my penultimate year at law school. i told myself it wouldn’t matter if i managed to find a posher, kosher alternative, because i would choose this time by the merit of the work and for the risk of the undertaking, not by the name of the employer.
i tried and i lost. i’ll say in my defence that it was a hard fought battle in my mind, but what does that matter? i had thought that my one big strength was my ability to take a risk, but as it turns out, the leap of faith is a leap too far for me.
they say everything is a question of perspective; to my friends my problem is a no-brainer, but in trying to deal with it, i have felt like Pliny the Younger must have felt watching Pompeii fall. the fact that i found what should have been a small decision so terribly large is also, if you enjoy macabre humour, hilarious, in that it serves to show what a very small person i really am in comparison. perspective, you say? well perspective’s quite the bitch, isn’t she?
in summation, what has happened now is, i’ve won, but i feel like shit.
at least i think i’ve won. i can’t really tell anymore.
well played, Fate you asshole. well played.