April 15, 2011 § 19 Comments
have you looked at your face in the mirror recently.
i mean seriously looked at it real good. i’m not talking about that face you make with the lower lip stuck out and that thing you do with your nose that you think makes it look smaller. i am not talking about your inner voice that is telling you in a tired voice, oo, some camera angles you look like penelope cruz. i’m asking if you’ve ever purposely pulled that stupid face with the slack jaw and the vacant, drooly stare that is your face at rest, your face completely inert.
that trainwreck on your neck, the one you’re frightening the birds with when you’re walking around, just walking around like the pleasantly ugly gawdalmighty that you are.
you know you don’t really know what you look like. you think you do but you actually don’t. what happens is, you are driving to work in the morning and then to lunch in the afternoon and then home in the evening, and you’re doing this every damn day. eventually you’re brave enough to roll down your window, sit one elbow on it and steer with one hand, and now you got nothing to do, so you look up at the billboards. so you’re looking up at all these billboards, right – one, two, three, five hundred of them,every god damn day – and they’re all pretty people man. all of them. so then you look back down at your rear-view mirror, and you see your weekly zit and your mamma’s fruity complexion.
and you’re not surprised cos you’re the transparently ugly gawdhelpus that you are and that’s that.
and so you whistle your tuneless tune and keep moving.
but The Man‘s a siren, his voice is golden, his waxen minions are convincing. these are saying you’re beautiful, and that one is saying you’re worth it, that other one is saying she bought her butt with her calvin klein jeans and so can you, and before you know it, you’re sold like a minister of parliament. you’re thinking, in the right light i got mia kirshner’s eyes, and if i stand here in the pitch dark, i have only one chin.
but you know you got the eyes of a potato and no damn chin at all, because you’re a companionably ugly gawdforgiveyou, and that’s perfectly fine by us.
but what with all the subliminal pushing, you wake up one morning and haul your malodorous self to the sink, and you look at the mirror above it – and in one quick move you stick your lower lip out and suck your cheeks in and narrow your eyes, and lose all credibility as an intelligent life form, because now you think you look like sameera reddy on an off day.
i really looked at my face this morning in that patchwork of fingerprints we call a mirror. put my face three inches from the glass and checked out my blackheads, in full colour and loving detail. got three of the little bastards on my nose. they’ve been there long enough, i feel like we should be making friends now. i got little rivers of red running through the whites of my eyes. i got skin like bubble wrap and a nose with its own gravitational field. i got a smile like a goddamn serial killer.
because i are a curiously ugly godawful, and how surprising and funny that this isn’t remotely upsetting.
you’re ugly too.
[this might be the world’s biggest open secret.]